she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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