you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
