so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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