did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
