you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
