Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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