There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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