U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
