The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
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I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
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Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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