batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
