So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I skipped work to stalk him.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
