A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
