I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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