whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
