My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
