Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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