she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
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he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
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Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
be right there i have to get my cape
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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