You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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