Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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