I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
