...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
