Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
