I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize