now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
