At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
