Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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