how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
