Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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