Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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