I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
we made out on top of his cat.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
no you cant smoke seaweed
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
