So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
