I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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