Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
