Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
