It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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