The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
