Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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