I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
