you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
