a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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