Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
