I like to think it a success when the cops are called
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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