My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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