my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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