My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
