the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
