this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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