we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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