My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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