wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
