Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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