oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
