Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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