can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
