We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My bed smells like the plague
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