matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
