I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
