that's an acceptable place to lick
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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